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Brené Brown: 4 reasons being Unclear is Unkind

Leadership study shows speaking the truth transforms negotiations.

By Christine Kininmonth/
2nd March 2019
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Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

Brené Brown first heard this slogan in a 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

I was on slogan overload at the time, and didn't think about it again until I saw the data, the research professor and TED sensation writes in Dare to Lead.

The data she's referring to was from a 7 year study she conducted on brave leadership.

It revealed that most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves were being kind ; when what were actually doing is being unkind and unfair.

Brené Brown Explains Why Avoiding Clarity is Comfortable

  1. **In Dare to Lead, Brown makes these four points: **Feeding people half-truths or bulls**t to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
  2. Not getting clear with a colleague about expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering, is unkind.
  3. Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
  4. It's easier than a tough conversation to say Got it, on it and run.

In other words, we fear being uncomfortable, and that self-protection is harmful.

Arming Against Vulnerable leadership

In Daring Greatly, Brené talks about the ways harm can manifest itself.

When were struggling with anxiety, disconnection, vulnerability, feeling alone and helpless, the substances and behaviours be it booze or food or work or endless hours online, feel like comfort but the reality is they cast long shadows over our lives, she writes.

She tells in Dare to Lead how when we are in fear, or an emotion is driving self-protection, there's a fairly predictable pattern of how we respond to that fear, and assemble our armour.

  • The armour being: I'm not enough.
    • If I'm honest with them about whats happening, they'll think less of me or maybe even use it against me.
    • No way am I going to be honest about this. No one else does it. Why do I have to put myself out there?
    • Yeah, screw them. I don't see them being honest about what scares them. And, they've got plenty of issues.
    • It's actually their shortcomings and issues that make me act this way. This is their fault, and they're trying to blame me.
    • In fact, now I think about it, I'm better than them.

Brené Brown says it's not a long walk from I'm not enough to I'm better than them. In fact, she says, it's standing still. In fear. Assembling armour.

On fear, see also HARVARD PROFESSOR ON HOW THE BEST BOSSES RUN A FEARLESS WORKPLACE

Brené Brown's Advice on Daring Leadership

First, name the issue. Its a tough conversation, she writes, but clear is kind.

Here's an example: I'd like for you to work on your curiosity and critical thinking skills. You're often quick with answers, which can be helpful, but not as helpful as taking the time to make sure we are asking and answering the right questions, which is how you'll grow as a leader. We can work together on this.

Second, make learning curiosity skills a priority. Knowers often have a lot of people talking behind their backs, and that corrodes trust.

Third, acknowledge and reward great questions and instances of I don't know, but Id like to find out as daring leadership behaviours. The big shift here is from wanting to be right to wanting to get it right.

Find out the Top 10 Leadership Qualities this year, and see how you measure up. Download our FREE guide:

For explanatory scenarios illustrating Browns study findings on daring leadership, I recommend you read this excerpt from Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts by Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

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